Bored

Challenge me or lose me

  It's May 11. For at least two weeks now it has been between 70-80 plus degrees. I ordered a tree to plant, one that I have bought twice before and it coincidently has not made it.  But dang it.....third times the charm.  It (the third tree)  is currently in my kitchen wrapped in plastic garbage bags in a barrel of water and organic soil to maintain humidity and water until the weather decides to change. Oh we'll say maybe two days, it's Denver who knows?. I want this tree to survive, I'll try again to nuture and help it grow.

Maybe this first paragraph is the metaphor for my relationships..or lack thereof.... or what I actually want to find within a marriage, which is kind of weird because I want things to be for-sure when I take that step, but three times to try and nurture something(in this case the tree) is no match to the amount of times I would try to fight for my forever mate. Ebbs and flows.  I know what I want.  I just need to remember the person that my mom and dad molded me to be.

 I am very much my own woman, I have been told I am intimidating...by both men and women(that are co-workers etc.)  Why can't I find the man whom looks at me and tells me that...sure I might be intimidating, but(in his words) " I welcome that, as a challenge that I whole-heartedly accept.  "Let us dive into the depths of joy, sorrow, and unimaginably deep respect, love and knowledge of one another.  Challenge me, question me, need me, want me, love me, respect me, know me!


I really do not think this is too much, I will not give up.  I welcome you to find me, challenge me, explore the depths of our faith and for our faith in the Lord to grow within ourselves and together. I invite you, my love to find me, explore, and question.. everything, this is my wish to find you, my love find me darling. This is my want, my need, explore life with me, come, my friend, my love, this is my plea to find me and you, together, forever.

So apparently, this has turned into a poem....





























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A little shout out

Thank you Mrs. B.P. for rekindling my desire to write this blog, sharing good laughs here on your last visit to Colorado and for showing me the handy Windows Live Writer, that was already installed on the computer I’m using whoop whoop!

Procrastination and Tara's mind dialogue at it's finest

My goodness I just looked at my first and only post.... July. It is now the middle of September, need I say more, ri-dic-u-lous. Well this week has been the week of in my face encouragement and get it through your head messages. Early in the week a former teacher just plain and simple made me feel good, I walked away from that conversation with some tears beginning to form. This conversation concluded the following day with my current teacher and I just talking about future goals, and she makes the statement that I'm shy. For all that know me insert a mumbled cough followed by a snicker to that commit. I told her, "I'm actually not shy, but I have always had a problem with the initial question/conversation. Allow me to explain what I mean. My entire life, I have always been intimidated by that first, "Can you give me a ride" phone call. It baffles my mom, she doesn't understand it. Quite frankly I don't understand it either. I have never considered myself shy, at all! The first conclusion that people come to is lack of self confidence, which I don't agree with either. So the question remains, why does this energetic female, who enjoys meeting people of different walks of life, and gives " I am woman hear me roar, but I can also purrr advice" not follow the advice that she gives others? I cannot answer that question, other than I have too much pride. As I have grown older, this has become more apparent to me, and is not necessarily a good thing.

I have strayed to my initial thoughts, so I regress, the breakdown to a week of messages/encouragement. My week began with "I knew you could do it, you just needed a little push" talk, followed by a "What is the deal, this is your future, get on it, talk. " Both conversations play a constant battle in my head.

I am watching T.V. and I am watching the movie "Just Friends". At the end of this movie Ryan Reynolds charactor is just himself, no walls, no bells and whistles. He is extending his vulnerability and taking a chance with a girl he has loved since high school. I thought of his journey in this movie, and I cannot help but think that I have always felt like I have been honest to my friends, but not to myself. Which is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. How can you be "honest" with your friends and not with yourself. Plain and simple you cannot.

I can honestly say that along the way I do not care what people think of me. Which makes me giggle because I think that statement is hilarious due to my belief that everyone cares what people think of them. By this I mean people want to be noticed for the person they are. One does not have to like them, but one still is called to the attention of their cause or opinion, or personality, etc. I do not care what people think of me because I ultimately am who I am, take it or leave it. I make mistakes, I love deeply, I cherish people who have come into my life and learn from each of them, I believe in the intrigue and beauty of being a woman. I am human and I am and will continue to be on the journey of striving to be the best person that I can be. I am thirsty to learn from the amazing diversity of this world. I feel like I will always see and search with a child-like intrigue.

AAGHHH let me quickly apologize to whoever is reading this, it seems like it may be hard to follow, but my head is going, going, going, ha maybe I should write my thoughts more frequently.

Anyway, The movie"Just Friends" made me think of the honesty I need to truly enter into the realm of dating. The conversations with my teachers reminds me of the constant battle I have between getting my shit together, and knowing that I am capable of achieving anything I put my mind to. Which leads me to the wrap-up of the week... the church I go to. The current six week series is titled "Grow a pair". When interpreted literally, ummm, need I say more. After listening to the message my take aways are the following, only you can be the person you want and strive to be. More importantly, simply put in two words, Individual and Integrity. Two nouns in the english language that have spoken to me as I have climbed into who I am today. You cannot have one without the other.

In the Beginning

Tonight, the beginning of self therapy. To save money-no, to save face-maybe. It's Friday night, I would not recommend watching the movie 'Definitely Maybe' with two glasses of wine under your belt, single, and wondering why it has taken you 8 months to NOT complete the trim of my first purchase 1 bedroom 1 bath condo with a yard. I have one more hurdle...well two, but they go hand in hand. My expectations of me and my expectations in a life long companion. One really cannot come without the other.